Another cycle, but not many more

This time my cycle was only 26 days.  I was crampy and emotional for like the first time ever due to my cycle.  Either my cycles are winding down or we had a near miss  (MC) this cycle.

Embracing the Crone stage of my life.

missing my babay

We were going to name the baby Alex. The due date was Oct 5th, 2009. Alex went back to heaven in May. My life went on. Vince has been very sad about the loss. Today is a remembrance day for lost babies: http://www.october15th.com/origination.htm


I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.

When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.

At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.

Another cycle

Well, I guess I'm going to start counting my cycle as 29 days.  It was fun dreaming for a day anyways. 

Late? Am I a baby killing monster?

Well, just to make things interesting.  I'm late again.  My cycle should have started this morning.

So, am I worried, am I going to the dollar store on the way home?  I just don't know.  I'd love to have another baby during the summer break.  Unfortunately, I feel that even if I'm pregnant again, it will only be for a short time.   I've got to face it.  Nick is now Five, and we haven't used any prevention methods the whole time.  We've lost two pregnancies in that period, one at ten weeks and one at twenty.  So, even if I get to enjoy another pregnancy, I don't think I'll be making another live baby.

I've been taking my bioflavinoids and folic acid as the doc recommended, just in case.

And for a bonus, I've been sick with a flu like illness for days now.  Finally clearing up.  Nothing bad, just the sniffles and an occasional fever.  At least Nick is a great eater and managed to avoid our illness.  I'm fortunate that he stills loves all food, and will eat for health.

Change of Plans - Ready to go on

This weekend I accompanied my little Girl Scout to her service events.  She ran Bingo at a retirement home to complete her two year Bronze Award project.  She did very well, and I'm proud of her for working towards her goal.

While sitting there viewing the facility and the residents, it dawned on me.  I'm ready to enter the next stage of my life.  I can now embrace the Crone and move past babymaking.  I'd like to move into a facility where repairs are completed by someone other than me, and meals are served, and events are scheduled.   Sure it'll be twenty years before I get there, but another baby would make that wait even longer.

I really liked the facility, and left my number so they could call me if the ever need another Bingo Caller.  Sometimes the event is cancelled because the regular can't make it.  I live very close and can run in on short notice.  It seems like a nice way to do service.

So, like a light switch, I'm hoping to be done now.  (Still waitng for the results of this cycle.)  Unfortunately this doesn't change much in reality.  I refuse to start birth control now or deny us of the marital bliss.  The only thing that will change is my attitude.  If God gives us another, I trust that we will enjoy the child he gives us.  It's all up to him anyways.

This may explain why the recent loss didn't devestate me, like so many others whose blogs I've been reading, trying to understand about the dead baby club.  I've lost at least three....

So, I'm requesting that any fertile thoughts that might have been directed at me, be sent to Dawn.  Please send some healing and fertile thoughts for Dawn.

ticker

Dream a Little Dream for Me

Well today should be ovulation day. I'm still hoping for this cycle, but our efforts have been spotty. meaning although we DTD often, completion only happened Sunday.

Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.

I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.

Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.

Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.

Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.

No testing required

That was fast. I post that I'm late, and Viola, my happy visitor has appeared.

I was hoping for next month anyways for a summer vacation Maternity Leave.

No News is Good News

My happy visitor did not appear yesterday, or today. Thinking about hitting the dollar store on my way home. Do I dare hope? Do I bother to test? Can't I just keep dreaming a few more days?

My hormones are a surging. Can I be this lucky?

yet another ticker

To commemorate my recent half pregnancy.

Dreaming, again

So, it's fun to dream. We have a chance at conceiving again this month. I almost threw up on my toothbrush this morning. I've been sleeping and eating more.

The due date would be May 17th. I was hoping for a baby during Summer vacation next year, just one cycle later. Murphy's Law would have me catch on this cycle ;)

I cried a little when I read 10cm's blog today.

This was so nice, I thought I'd post it again. It really expresses how I feel about my recent loss. I think of it like making angels.

Copied From:
http://10centandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-thought-of-you-i-thought-of-you-and.html

"I Thought Of You I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.A Mother has a baby this we know is true.But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear."I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children and say""We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here"."So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. "

*********************************************

So, am I hopeful again? I had a good cycle on the 10th of August, and there is a possibility that we could be off to the races again. This morning I almost threw up on my toothbrush. I have a dental appointment on Sept 1, and will probably decline Xrays, again. It's kinda neat that I can decline almost any routine procedure because of my indeterminate state. It really seems to confuse medical professionals that I don't use birth control and usually can claim that I don't know if I'm pregnant.

I was hoping for trying in September so I could have the maternity leave during the kids Summer vacation. So, with Murphy's law always in effect, a May 17th due date would be possible.

I'm 43, and keep wondering if I should stop. But then I'd have to mess about with side effects of birth control, they all have them. Faith in God helps a whole lot. He won't give me more than I can handle.

It's kinda funny, just 6 years ago I had a kinda personal conversation with my boss at the time. He's a practicing Catholic, and I asked him about not planning every preg, and leaving it up to God. I really couldn't understand then. Now I do.

So, we won't be doing anything. It will happen, or I'll stop cycling, it's all good.

So, here we go again. I think that was a period, starting two weeks ago tomorrow and lasting three days. On and off like a light switch, no muss no fuss, no lingering, but pretty pink not dark.

Before that I consulted the ever-so-wise mommy group and discussed my chances and choices. This title's post is the conclusion I came to with their help. So, we won't be doing anything. It will happen, or I'll stop cycling, it's all good. So, no birth control, no charting basal temps, no hurry.

I was given a sling the day before our loss. Since I may not be using it, I sent it to my cousin in Japan who is expecting her first. She loved it, and the DVD explaining it too. I also sent the hooter hider that I had bought for my hubby for a father's day gag gift. My mom was already practicing how to draw a huge pair of natural breasts on it. The cousin got it without the modifications. Not that I feel covering is required, just that it is nice to feel secure in the beginning when you are getting the hang of whipping them out without being super-obvious.

The cousin was five days past forty weeks. I'm sending prayers that they don't induce her, and just wait for the baby to be born healthy.

update

Checking in to say I'm finally feeling better. I'm at a loss for the technical terms here. I just say lost the baby because I'm not sure, miscarriage/stillborn, but it doesn't really matter what I call it.No, we didn't name it or bury it. I just didn't have the strength to dig a hole, and Vince was so heartbroken. He took it much harder than I did. He's talking about getting snipped to prevent seeing me that way again. He was very worried, and kept asking me to stay home from work.I went in Friday, but stayed home again yesterday.

On Sunday, the bleeding started up again, and I seemed to have passed some more stuff. Today it is gone again. I don't remember being this wiped out by babies, a few days and I was up and around again. This time I've been on the couch for eleven days. It's a good thing Vince had learned to cook, and was able to feed me real food. Eating seems to help a whole lot. I seem to be a quart low, pale and weak. (Not a quart, really, just an automotive saying.) I have given pints to red cross often, and it never felt like this.If I don't stay feeling better this time, I'm going to call Dr. Kathy. I've been close to calling her a couple times, but seem to rebound again after I decide to call in the morning. I only called her once, the morning after to see how long until she'd recommend a bath, or driving.

Okay, TMI alert, going into the details....So, I met Ruth at Greenfield Village for lunch on Thusday May 21. She gave me her hotsling, and we rode the train. When I got back to work, I found a very small brownish spot on the toilet paper. I thought, that, maybe, after forty years, I must have wiped wrong. I did check my cervix, and it seemed the same. (I don't check it often, and now that I think back, it was more flower shaped.)The day went on, I took Vince out to see Star Trek, and dinner for his birthday. I thought the baby was moving, and had his foot in my cervix. I adjusted the car seat to make more room, because I felt full of squirming baby.I woke up at 3:30am and felt uncomfortable. Thought I had to poop. I gave a little squeeze, and then I felt that fullness, that meant the ute had emptied, and sploosh, out came the baby, in the sack. Ten fingers, and toes, a cute little face. I called Vince and told him to come inside, he was in the garage. He took it hard and started bawling. Then sploosh, placenta. Then I got dizzy, and stood up, I asked for help getting to bed. Next thing I hear Vince, upset telling me to get up. I had passed out and hit my head. He helped me get horizontal, and gave me some juice. I slept there for a couple hours.Fortunately my parents live close by. I called my Dad and asked him to pick up the girls for me that night, and take them to the grocery store. My parents were amazed at how well they know the market. They are nine and ten, and knew pretty much which brand and where to find everything. They were just told mommy was sick. We broke it to them after they were home. Sophia was a little upset, but Veronica managed to cover her glee. Nick cried for about twenty minutes, but hasn't mentioned it since.I'm thinking about trying again, maybe September. A summer maternity leave would be neat, while the kids are out of school.Long day today, I'm back to work, and heading to a visitation for my grandmother right after work today. She was 89 when she passed this weekend. She's been in and out of the hospital a lot. It's been very hard on my Mom. Please send your prayers my Mom's way. She had a procedure on Friday and was supposed to be resting when YiYa died. Mom didn't rest, and the cortisone shot for her urethra was her hope at not having her bladder slung again. (doctor induced childbirth injury)I'm taking tomorrow off for the funeral.

All done

Last Friday with no warning, a little pressure, and poof, pregnancy has ended.

More Tickers

Oh, and how could I miss the movement. Now I've seen the movement, the reshaping of my abdomen as the babe spins around. Waiting for someone else to get kicked.

Oops, How could I miss those movements

Well, I paid some attention last night. And I told Hubby about my fears that there was no movement. He immediately wanted me to call the doc and have her rush right over. He said that if he's dead, I'd need it sucked out. I calmly told him that at twenty weeks the otoscope might not pick up the heartbeat, and we'd feel worse, and that if the baby is gone my body would flush it out on its own. He said it's so big I'd need help. I pointed out that full grow babes are bigger, and mentioned how he fell for the medical industry propaganda again. That even without a heartbeat, I'd do fine. He firmly agreed nothing would bring back a heartbeat.

But then, a few minutes later after a glass of grapefruit juice, when I asked if he could feel this and see, he rushed right over. I wondered if it was a my guts moving or the 6.5" baby. Right away he placed his hand just under my ribs. I moved it under the belly button and showed him the boundaries of my mighty Ute. (Just under belly button, to both sides of the belly and down to almost the pubic bone. A small volleyball.) The babe co-operated, and obligingly nudged his Daddy. Several times, and we could both feel it at the same times.

I am greatly reassured. I also seem to remember doing this at about twenty weeks before. Feeling movement way early, and then thinking I was imagining it. Thank the gods that Hubby was willing to help me realize that it is not my imagination.

Maybe it's because my swelling has subsided, and the babe is in a comfy location. I seem a little smaller this week, but I seem to be carrying better. I'm kinda on the large side, and previously I've had looser abs, so the baby carried way farther forward. This time it feels more centered, closer to my backbone, more comfy for me.

So, panic rush to ER for an ultrasound has been averted. Hopefully all ultrasounds will be averted. It's only dawning on me this is the time most docs coerced me into going in for scientific experiments with bad results. Let them drink a half gallon of water and hold it for two hours and see how much it hurts. Tell them to not agitate the cervix just in case the placenta might have trouble since it is in the proper place for that time. I have yet to hear a good result from the ultrasound other than predicting the sex that was hoped for, and that is often wrong too. I wouldn't have an amino, or a termination, so why get an ultrasound?

I love my new doc, she doesn't recommend routine ultrasounds, because science has said they don't really help, only cause more worry.

Freaking out, or No longer imagining?

So, I thought I've felt the baby moving for weeks now, and it has stopped. I may have been overestimating gas and poop.

So, what will I do? Nothing. This doesn't change my mind about using the Doppler, because if there is no heartbeat, nature will take care of the rest. Nothing will bring it back.

I'm not even going to post this to the mommy group, because I don't want to worry everyone. Only the ones who've been dedicated enough to keep checking here, even though I haven't posted anything in months.

Odds, are the the good old Ute has moved into a move comfortable position.

The doc will come see me again on the first Tuesday in June, and the dates will put me into the range where the otoscope might pick something up. But, if the babe has stopped moving, I should be getting other symptoms by then.

No spotting, no hard contractions, just a little hicks, only a little ligament pain when I spring up too fast in the tub.

Thanks to the mommy group, I seem to have the rampant swelling of my ankles under control again. Elevation, lots of protein, frequent baths with sea salt and grapefruit seems to be what fixed me.

a ticker

second tri, and still going

Just in case anyone was wondering......

deleted

testing tickers

Swirling thoughts

Wow, my employer has changed policy, and now allows midwives to certify normal births. I think I had quite a bit to do with that. I kept telling them that it could save them lots of money. For a normal birth the costs are much lower. And as an added possibility, it could avoid some really expensive complications.

I guess it's time to submit my next appeal for the previous leave.

So, now that I have certified midwives to choose from, will I stay with Dr. Kathy? Probably, since the kind of midwife I want cannot be licensed as such in Michigan. I want one who doesn't work under a doctor. Now I'm trying to deal with choices I didn't know I had.

One of the happiest things about the change in policy is that new moms may find out midwives are an option they didn't know about.

Well, I have months to decide. I'm still waiting for the miscarriage. Since I've had lots more pregnancies than kids, I'm not really feeling this is real.

42 and pregged again

So many things rushing around in my head, and body. Hormones are a swooping. Wondering how my mom will take it this time. She's told me so many times how much burden another will be. I can only see it as a blessing.

I'm enjoying every moment while I can. Feeling my belly swinging in front of me. Watching my hips and butt shrink as I shed any extra weight. Finding clothes that are comfortable. Asking hubby to do any strange lifting for me.

I'm eating well, and sleeping extra. Getting my fluids, and some extra relax time. This is my seventh pregnancy, so I know the routine. Wondering what this time will bring for aversions and cravings. With Nicky I stopped liking raw onions, with all I tend to crave spicy food.

I'm wondering how our new food choices will affect this preg. We have cut out all dairy, cut way down on bread and eat mainly meat, veggies and fruits. Any sweets we now cook from scratch.

Last night I whipped up some coconut macaroons. Yummy, easy and fast. Iron Chef revealed coconut and chocolate for their secret ingredient, I got a wild hair for making something, and picked up Joy of Cooking. I had invented a recipe, cooked it, and we were eating our cookies before the Iron Chef started judging. So here's the 'recipe' before I forget:

6 egg whites, beaten to stiff peaks
1 custard cup of coconut macaroon
3/4 custard cup cane juice crystals organic
a splas of vanilla

baked near 400 for 17 minutes until edges were brownish. Seems like the cane juice made darker cookies than the sugar amy have, but they were so yummy. A big hit with Vince.

I deserve a medal, but here's a ribbon

Well, my son hasn't nursed since last Feb, so I guess we're done.

14 months + two years + 3.5 years = more than six years

counting

Cooking Candy

Well, still on the random access theme. Random glimpses into my life. We are on a candy making binge at home. Marshmallows, first I made a batch to prove it could be done better at home. Then hubby repeated it, to prove he could. Now he talks about whipping up some marshmallows like it is an everyday thing. As the bonus, ours taste better and don't have two dyes and terasodiumphosphate. The cost is about the same.

So, what do you do when you find baking chocolate but no box? How can you tell if it is sweet, semi-sweet, or unsweetened? Well, I couldn't tell, and I didn't want to bake with it, so the obvious choice was candy. I threw those three unknown squares into my candy/popcorn pot (2.5 quart covered nonstick sauce pan) with the end of the bag of sugar, and the end of the bag of powdered sugar, some turbinado, some cocoa, some corn syrup, a stick of butter and some water. Heat gently on med low until it boils down the sides of the pot, then cover five minutes to steam down the sides of the pot. Add candy thermometer and watch without touching until soft ball stage was reached. Remove from heat, add a splash (2t) of vanilla and stir while bubbling. Pour unto parchment (ungreased) cover and wait. (The cover keeps the kids and cats out, other homes may not require this step) I waited overnight and the fudgy goodness was easily peeled from the parchment and cut with scissors. The kids loved it. My hubby said this is what tootsie rolls wanted to be.

I joined spark people so cooking may have even more interesting turns.

On the babymaking front, hubby is starting to talk about doing it on purpose. He thinks I could get preg any Monday, I explained it was every fourth Monday. (slaphead)

Although, at my 'advanced maternal age' I could be ovulatiing anytime. I told him every other day would work better than Mondays. ;)