This time my cycle was only 26 days. I was crampy and emotional for like the first time ever due to my cycle. Either my cycles are winding down or we had a near miss (MC) this cycle.
Embracing the Crone stage of my life.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
missing my babay
We were going to name the baby Alex. The due date was Oct 5th, 2009. Alex went back to heaven in May. My life went on. Vince has been very sad about the loss. Today is a remembrance day for lost babies: http://www.october15th.com/origination.htm
I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.
When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.
At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.
I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.
When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.
At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Another cycle
Well, I guess I'm going to start counting my cycle as 29 days. It was fun dreaming for a day anyways.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Late? Am I a baby killing monster?
Well, just to make things interesting. I'm late again. My cycle should have started this morning.
So, am I worried, am I going to the dollar store on the way home? I just don't know. I'd love to have another baby during the summer break. Unfortunately, I feel that even if I'm pregnant again, it will only be for a short time. I've got to face it. Nick is now Five, and we haven't used any prevention methods the whole time. We've lost two pregnancies in that period, one at ten weeks and one at twenty. So, even if I get to enjoy another pregnancy, I don't think I'll be making another live baby.
I've been taking my bioflavinoids and folic acid as the doc recommended, just in case.
And for a bonus, I've been sick with a flu like illness for days now. Finally clearing up. Nothing bad, just the sniffles and an occasional fever. At least Nick is a great eater and managed to avoid our illness. I'm fortunate that he stills loves all food, and will eat for health.
So, am I worried, am I going to the dollar store on the way home? I just don't know. I'd love to have another baby during the summer break. Unfortunately, I feel that even if I'm pregnant again, it will only be for a short time. I've got to face it. Nick is now Five, and we haven't used any prevention methods the whole time. We've lost two pregnancies in that period, one at ten weeks and one at twenty. So, even if I get to enjoy another pregnancy, I don't think I'll be making another live baby.
I've been taking my bioflavinoids and folic acid as the doc recommended, just in case.
And for a bonus, I've been sick with a flu like illness for days now. Finally clearing up. Nothing bad, just the sniffles and an occasional fever. At least Nick is a great eater and managed to avoid our illness. I'm fortunate that he stills loves all food, and will eat for health.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Change of Plans - Ready to go on
This weekend I accompanied my little Girl Scout to her service events. She ran Bingo at a retirement home to complete her two year Bronze Award project. She did very well, and I'm proud of her for working towards her goal.
While sitting there viewing the facility and the residents, it dawned on me. I'm ready to enter the next stage of my life. I can now embrace the Crone and move past babymaking. I'd like to move into a facility where repairs are completed by someone other than me, and meals are served, and events are scheduled. Sure it'll be twenty years before I get there, but another baby would make that wait even longer.
I really liked the facility, and left my number so they could call me if the ever need another Bingo Caller. Sometimes the event is cancelled because the regular can't make it. I live very close and can run in on short notice. It seems like a nice way to do service.
So, like a light switch, I'm hoping to be done now. (Still waitng for the results of this cycle.) Unfortunately this doesn't change much in reality. I refuse to start birth control now or deny us of the marital bliss. The only thing that will change is my attitude. If God gives us another, I trust that we will enjoy the child he gives us. It's all up to him anyways.
This may explain why the recent loss didn't devestate me, like so many others whose blogs I've been reading, trying to understand about the dead baby club. I've lost at least three....
So, I'm requesting that any fertile thoughts that might have been directed at me, be sent to Dawn. Please send some healing and fertile thoughts for Dawn.
While sitting there viewing the facility and the residents, it dawned on me. I'm ready to enter the next stage of my life. I can now embrace the Crone and move past babymaking. I'd like to move into a facility where repairs are completed by someone other than me, and meals are served, and events are scheduled. Sure it'll be twenty years before I get there, but another baby would make that wait even longer.
I really liked the facility, and left my number so they could call me if the ever need another Bingo Caller. Sometimes the event is cancelled because the regular can't make it. I live very close and can run in on short notice. It seems like a nice way to do service.
So, like a light switch, I'm hoping to be done now. (Still waitng for the results of this cycle.) Unfortunately this doesn't change much in reality. I refuse to start birth control now or deny us of the marital bliss. The only thing that will change is my attitude. If God gives us another, I trust that we will enjoy the child he gives us. It's all up to him anyways.
This may explain why the recent loss didn't devestate me, like so many others whose blogs I've been reading, trying to understand about the dead baby club. I've lost at least three....
So, I'm requesting that any fertile thoughts that might have been directed at me, be sent to Dawn. Please send some healing and fertile thoughts for Dawn.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dream a Little Dream for Me
Well today should be ovulation day. I'm still hoping for this cycle, but our efforts have been spotty. meaning although we DTD often, completion only happened Sunday.
Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.
I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.
Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.
Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.
Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.
Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.
I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.
Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.
Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.
Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
No testing required
That was fast. I post that I'm late, and Viola, my happy visitor has appeared.
I was hoping for next month anyways for a summer vacation Maternity Leave.
I was hoping for next month anyways for a summer vacation Maternity Leave.
No News is Good News
My happy visitor did not appear yesterday, or today. Thinking about hitting the dollar store on my way home. Do I dare hope? Do I bother to test? Can't I just keep dreaming a few more days?
My hormones are a surging. Can I be this lucky?
My hormones are a surging. Can I be this lucky?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
