This was so nice, I thought I'd post it again. It really expresses how I feel about my recent loss. I think of it like making angels.
"I Thought Of You I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.A Mother has a baby this we know is true.But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear."I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children and say""We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here"."So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. "
So, am I hopeful again? I had a good cycle on the 10th of August, and there is a possibility that we could be off to the races again. This morning I almost threw up on my toothbrush. I have a dental appointment on Sept 1, and will probably decline Xrays, again. It's kinda neat that I can decline almost any routine procedure because of my indeterminate state. It really seems to confuse medical professionals that I don't use birth control and usually can claim that I don't know if I'm pregnant.
I was hoping for trying in September so I could have the maternity leave during the kids Summer vacation. So, with Murphy's law always in effect, a May 17th due date would be possible.
I'm 43, and keep wondering if I should stop. But then I'd have to mess about with side effects of birth control, they all have them. Faith in God helps a whole lot. He won't give me more than I can handle.
It's kinda funny, just 6 years ago I had a kinda personal conversation with my boss at the time. He's a practicing Catholic, and I asked him about not planning every preg, and leaving it up to God. I really couldn't understand then. Now I do.