Thursday, October 15, 2009

missing my babay

We were going to name the baby Alex. The due date was Oct 5th, 2009. Alex went back to heaven in May. My life went on. Vince has been very sad about the loss. Today is a remembrance day for lost babies:

I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.

When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.

At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Another cycle

Well, I guess I'm going to start counting my cycle as 29 days.  It was fun dreaming for a day anyways. 

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Late? Am I a baby killing monster?

Well, just to make things interesting.  I'm late again.  My cycle should have started this morning.

So, am I worried, am I going to the dollar store on the way home?  I just don't know.  I'd love to have another baby during the summer break.  Unfortunately, I feel that even if I'm pregnant again, it will only be for a short time.   I've got to face it.  Nick is now Five, and we haven't used any prevention methods the whole time.  We've lost two pregnancies in that period, one at ten weeks and one at twenty.  So, even if I get to enjoy another pregnancy, I don't think I'll be making another live baby.

I've been taking my bioflavinoids and folic acid as the doc recommended, just in case.

And for a bonus, I've been sick with a flu like illness for days now.  Finally clearing up.  Nothing bad, just the sniffles and an occasional fever.  At least Nick is a great eater and managed to avoid our illness.  I'm fortunate that he stills loves all food, and will eat for health.