Monday, September 28, 2009

Change of Plans - Ready to go on

This weekend I accompanied my little Girl Scout to her service events.  She ran Bingo at a retirement home to complete her two year Bronze Award project.  She did very well, and I'm proud of her for working towards her goal.

While sitting there viewing the facility and the residents, it dawned on me.  I'm ready to enter the next stage of my life.  I can now embrace the Crone and move past babymaking.  I'd like to move into a facility where repairs are completed by someone other than me, and meals are served, and events are scheduled.   Sure it'll be twenty years before I get there, but another baby would make that wait even longer.

I really liked the facility, and left my number so they could call me if the ever need another Bingo Caller.  Sometimes the event is cancelled because the regular can't make it.  I live very close and can run in on short notice.  It seems like a nice way to do service.

So, like a light switch, I'm hoping to be done now.  (Still waitng for the results of this cycle.)  Unfortunately this doesn't change much in reality.  I refuse to start birth control now or deny us of the marital bliss.  The only thing that will change is my attitude.  If God gives us another, I trust that we will enjoy the child he gives us.  It's all up to him anyways.

This may explain why the recent loss didn't devestate me, like so many others whose blogs I've been reading, trying to understand about the dead baby club.  I've lost at least three....

So, I'm requesting that any fertile thoughts that might have been directed at me, be sent to Dawn.  Please send some healing and fertile thoughts for Dawn.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Dream a Little Dream for Me

Well today should be ovulation day. I'm still hoping for this cycle, but our efforts have been spotty. meaning although we DTD often, completion only happened Sunday.

Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.

I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.

Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.

Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.

Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

No testing required

That was fast. I post that I'm late, and Viola, my happy visitor has appeared.

I was hoping for next month anyways for a summer vacation Maternity Leave.

No News is Good News

My happy visitor did not appear yesterday, or today. Thinking about hitting the dollar store on my way home. Do I dare hope? Do I bother to test? Can't I just keep dreaming a few more days?

My hormones are a surging. Can I be this lucky?

Friday, September 04, 2009

yet another ticker

To commemorate my recent half pregnancy.