Friday, June 02, 2006


My Father In Law died, and I've just stayed with hubby for comfort. Gary was a Korean war veteran, and he passed on Memorial Day with his son holding his head, and surrounded by family.

He went in for a routine chest Xray, in Jan 2006, and the diagnosis killed him quickly. After hearing the news that the cancer was in his liver, lungs and kidneys he only hung on a short while. His daughters were not ready to let him leave.

I feel callous and selfish.

His death was a victory. He got to die at home. Those that know me, know that I feel strongly that birth and death should be peaceful, and at home. I feared that they would continue to torture him with medical treatments, fortunatley they allowed him to die.

My employer gave me three days off, and it's been like a honeymoon with my hubby. We've only been married a couple of years, and I haven't really heard much about his dad. He talked so much he lost his voice. I mostly just said I don't have any words, and let him go on. We've come through this a whole lot stronger as a couple.

Wierd though, not having any control. Death on Monday, Funeral on Sunday? With no visitation? When the Hub came home Monday, I thought we'd be spending the week out with his famliy, not hiding at home watching old black and white movies. ( The Scapegoat, The Perfect Gentleman, it was a Frank Morgan sort of day (he was the wizard of oz))

I hate cut flowers. Once again, I am told that someone died, and we're all going in together on flowers. So I just pay, seems like less of an honor that being able to just cut something nice from my yard. I know Pop would like something handpicked better, he had quite a garden. Funeral flowers seem like such a scam. They don't last, and Pop doesn't need them now.

This is the second time I have lost a father in law. When the X's dad died, he spent days raging. Mad at God for taking his dad, who he had spent more than a decade not talking too. Sure that he was just gone, not gone somewhere. My current spouse is so different. He spent days talking about his dad, and grateful that he was there to hold him as he passed. Gratitude vs Anger, gratitude seems much easier.

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