Marc Randazza is a great person

You can find more about Marc here:

http://www.randazza.com/
http://randazza.wordpress.com/
http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/12/opinion/randazza-limbaugh-speech/index.html

Wow, time flys

A year since I posted, how time flys.  Well, my cycles are getting longer.  I've had a few times when I bought a stick to pee on, but no luck.  I've started sleeping later and resting more.  Welcome to menopause.

If they are asking for it, they are too old

Yesterday, Veronica brought me a little picture album to ask me which cat was in a picture. We flipped through the other pages and I saw one of her. I explained that she was only a few minutes old, and look at those hands. She made this curly sort of gesture like she was looking to feel for boobs. I said that those hands meant she was asking to nurse.




If we look at the illogical phrase in the light of the bottlefeeding is normal commercial media. It does make sense. Typically scheduled bottle feedings should end when the child is talking. Asking for a feeding is wrong because we are supposed to watch the clock instead of the child. This is another case of holding breastfeeding moms to standards created for bottle feeding.
 
(reposted here from comments I made elsewhere, to save or myself)
 
Another stick has been disposed of.  Two weeks late, and no sign of anything.  CVS early response is 54% accurate four days before cycle start, and 99.9% on cycle start day.   So, if we haven't DTD in twelve days, that should mean.... Menopause ... Right?

Stick said no

Ten days late.  POS last night, BFN.  It was new moon.  I'm thinking I should do something to commemorate the occasion.  In thirty years of cycling, I've never been a week late without involving a fetus.  This is the beginning of menopause,and I should celebrate my new phase.

I'm thinking some time alone might just be what I should do to honor the start.  From reading susun weed, I know that taking time to just be with my new self is the best thing I can do to embrace it instead of fighting.

(I don't usually use the acronyms, but I thought it might prevent this from being TMI for those who don't know the terms by heart(ache).)

Late again....

The happy visitor failed to arrive on Monday, and now it is Friday.  I guess I'll be buying a stick to pee on soon.  Not getting my hopes up.  I had my well person visit on Wednesday and talked about how my cycles are sometimes more frequent and sometimes the flow lasts much longer than my previous thirty years of cycling.  Her answer, "Welcome to menopause."

Oh Well

I guess I can give away more baby stuff this month.

Still waiting

Yep, still waiting for my happy visitor. Couldn't help myself. est. DD Nov 29th

Any minute I expect to wipe and the dreams will end.

Again and Again, is it menopause or a baby?

How many years can I dream? Dream a little dream for me.

Late

My happy visitor did not arrive this morning. Am I hopefull? Yes. Wondering if this is another chance. Not getting myhopes up, but dreaming again.

I did give away some baby stuff this cycle, thinking I was done.

another ticker

words from a friend

My friend posted this recently to console someone else who had a recent loss.  I asked her permission to repost it here since it reflects my opinion so well.  Thanks Marlowe for letting me repost it here:

"I don't know what your beliefs are. If you believe in an afterlife and/or reincarnation, I wanted to share that I've read the idea that the most evolved souls are those who are with us for such a brief amount of time. Unlike the rest of us, those who leave us as babies or young kids had little to learn here on this plane; they are already ready to progress---to fly and soar in a different place and form. To love one of these souls is an honor; a painful, harrowing, sorrowful honor to be sure. "

(end quote)
Grief seems to come very slowly to me, I shed a few tears here and there, but haven't been consumed by it like so many others whose blogs I read.  Maybe because I already have three successfull pregnancies, another loss didn't hurt as bad.  I'm up to three losses and three babies.  Plus the bonus of my wonderful step-daughter.  It feels selfish having so much, and reading about others' loss to console myself.

Knowing I grew a baby long enough for God to welcome him back so soon does seem like an honor.

Another cycle, but not many more

This time my cycle was only 26 days.  I was crampy and emotional for like the first time ever due to my cycle.  Either my cycles are winding down or we had a near miss  (MC) this cycle.

Embracing the Crone stage of my life.

missing my babay

We were going to name the baby Alex. The due date was Oct 5th, 2009. Alex went back to heaven in May. My life went on. Vince has been very sad about the loss. Today is a remembrance day for lost babies: http://www.october15th.com/origination.htm


I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.

When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.

At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.

Another cycle

Well, I guess I'm going to start counting my cycle as 29 days.  It was fun dreaming for a day anyways. 

Late? Am I a baby killing monster?

Well, just to make things interesting.  I'm late again.  My cycle should have started this morning.

So, am I worried, am I going to the dollar store on the way home?  I just don't know.  I'd love to have another baby during the summer break.  Unfortunately, I feel that even if I'm pregnant again, it will only be for a short time.   I've got to face it.  Nick is now Five, and we haven't used any prevention methods the whole time.  We've lost two pregnancies in that period, one at ten weeks and one at twenty.  So, even if I get to enjoy another pregnancy, I don't think I'll be making another live baby.

I've been taking my bioflavinoids and folic acid as the doc recommended, just in case.

And for a bonus, I've been sick with a flu like illness for days now.  Finally clearing up.  Nothing bad, just the sniffles and an occasional fever.  At least Nick is a great eater and managed to avoid our illness.  I'm fortunate that he stills loves all food, and will eat for health.

Change of Plans - Ready to go on

This weekend I accompanied my little Girl Scout to her service events.  She ran Bingo at a retirement home to complete her two year Bronze Award project.  She did very well, and I'm proud of her for working towards her goal.

While sitting there viewing the facility and the residents, it dawned on me.  I'm ready to enter the next stage of my life.  I can now embrace the Crone and move past babymaking.  I'd like to move into a facility where repairs are completed by someone other than me, and meals are served, and events are scheduled.   Sure it'll be twenty years before I get there, but another baby would make that wait even longer.

I really liked the facility, and left my number so they could call me if the ever need another Bingo Caller.  Sometimes the event is cancelled because the regular can't make it.  I live very close and can run in on short notice.  It seems like a nice way to do service.

So, like a light switch, I'm hoping to be done now.  (Still waitng for the results of this cycle.)  Unfortunately this doesn't change much in reality.  I refuse to start birth control now or deny us of the marital bliss.  The only thing that will change is my attitude.  If God gives us another, I trust that we will enjoy the child he gives us.  It's all up to him anyways.

This may explain why the recent loss didn't devestate me, like so many others whose blogs I've been reading, trying to understand about the dead baby club.  I've lost at least three....

So, I'm requesting that any fertile thoughts that might have been directed at me, be sent to Dawn.  Please send some healing and fertile thoughts for Dawn.

ticker

Dream a Little Dream for Me

Well today should be ovulation day. I'm still hoping for this cycle, but our efforts have been spotty. meaning although we DTD often, completion only happened Sunday.

Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.

I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.

Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.

Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.

Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.

No testing required

That was fast. I post that I'm late, and Viola, my happy visitor has appeared.

I was hoping for next month anyways for a summer vacation Maternity Leave.

No News is Good News

My happy visitor did not appear yesterday, or today. Thinking about hitting the dollar store on my way home. Do I dare hope? Do I bother to test? Can't I just keep dreaming a few more days?

My hormones are a surging. Can I be this lucky?

yet another ticker

To commemorate my recent half pregnancy.