missing my babay

We were going to name the baby Alex. The due date was Oct 5th, 2009. Alex went back to heaven in May. My life went on. Vince has been very sad about the loss. Today is a remembrance day for lost babies: http://www.october15th.com/origination.htm


I've been wondering when I'd process my loss. At first I was worried about my recovery, then I was worried about Sophia and Vince, I never really grieved. Well, I think today it hit me. I'm sitting in my cube at work crying. I think my time to grieve has arrived.

When I lost Amber in 1995, as a childless person, I was devestated. It took years to finally get preg again with Sophia, and the techno birth didn't really help. With Veronica, I was healed by an empowered birth where I actually fought off many procedures while in labor at the hospital. With Nick, I thought I had turned in Superwoman being able to birth naturally and not get any ill effects from the birth. (With Veronica I picked up an acre wide rash on my butt from the hosptial sheets.) We lost another pregnancy when Nick was about two, but it was at ten weeks, and still in the not quite sure range.

At twenty weeks, I was pretty sure I'd be holding my newborn, now. I'd be on maternity leave now, sitting in a rocker and nursing. Instead I've been reading baby loss blogs and trying to understand.

Dream a Little Dream for Me

Well today should be ovulation day. I'm still hoping for this cycle, but our efforts have been spotty. meaning although we DTD often, completion only happened Sunday.

Oh, and I'm wondering if saliva might interfere with the little swimmers.

I'm really hoping to pee on a stick on the due date for the half pregnancy I just enjoyed.

Oh, and I've been reading a bunch of pregnancy loss blogs and wondering why I'm not devastated like they are. Sure, we've got four kids between us, and I've had three births and three losses, but I'm been reading about a loss after four, and she seems to be grieving endlessly. Please send prayers for her.

Seems like a great deal for me. I was able to enjoy being pregnant again. It may have been my last time. I lost the babe at twenty weeks with no warning, and no worries. We even saw a movie that night and had a date. I was upset that my body wasn't able to do my usual superwoman stuff for a month after the loss. I was upset that I wasn't able to honor all my work commitments on time. I was crying that my coworkers were so nice about telling me to take all the time I needed to recover. I really wasn't upset about the babe at all? ??? Still wondering why the loss isn't making me sad like the other blogs I've been reading. Am I a monster? Or, did the babe just go back to God. My faith seems to have really helped me here. Thinking of making angels instead of dead babies seems to be how my outlook differs from the loss blogs I'm reading.

Next up, I'd like to find a better calendar and ticker site. That babyzone calendar has failed. I'm tired of it not remembering the info, even for five minutes. I never liked the babyzone advice anyways. Off to find a better place to track my hopefulness.

I cried a little when I read 10cm's blog today.

This was so nice, I thought I'd post it again. It really expresses how I feel about my recent loss. I think of it like making angels.

Copied From:
http://10centandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-thought-of-you-i-thought-of-you-and.html

"I Thought Of You I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.A Mother has a baby this we know is true.But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear."I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children and say""We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here"."So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. "

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So, am I hopeful again? I had a good cycle on the 10th of August, and there is a possibility that we could be off to the races again. This morning I almost threw up on my toothbrush. I have a dental appointment on Sept 1, and will probably decline Xrays, again. It's kinda neat that I can decline almost any routine procedure because of my indeterminate state. It really seems to confuse medical professionals that I don't use birth control and usually can claim that I don't know if I'm pregnant.

I was hoping for trying in September so I could have the maternity leave during the kids Summer vacation. So, with Murphy's law always in effect, a May 17th due date would be possible.

I'm 43, and keep wondering if I should stop. But then I'd have to mess about with side effects of birth control, they all have them. Faith in God helps a whole lot. He won't give me more than I can handle.

It's kinda funny, just 6 years ago I had a kinda personal conversation with my boss at the time. He's a practicing Catholic, and I asked him about not planning every preg, and leaving it up to God. I really couldn't understand then. Now I do.